December 2nd, 2013

There's not really a word for joyful panic that I'm aware of, but that's what it was for me. I felt an immediate shock over being thrust towards a thousand changes in our life, but with a profound happiness and sense of excitement. I want this blog to be useful for someone in the same situation, but I think I also want the outlet for all the crazy things that have started passing through my brain while our lives transform purpose.

On Monday, December 2nd, I finished giving a late afternoon lecture, turned my phone off of mute while walking back to my office and saw that my wife had tried to reach me several times. I called her back, and she told me she was late. That kind of late. The kind where she bought and used three EPT kits to make sure.

For the past two months, we've kept quiet, apart from setting up appointments with doctors and so on. My wife's sister knew, a close friend figured it out that same week, and we managed to surprise our parents and grandparents with the news when we visited them last week. My sister-in-law had only let one or two of the relatives in on the secret. We wanted to wait a little while before telling the rest of the world, but some of our friends are too clever, so the word is out now. During all of that time, I caught myself smiling a lot. A lot a lot. Really, way more often than I'm used to. And at the same time found myself pondering new, nearly paralyzing, fears and doubts about whether we're going to be ready to take care of a tiny human.

Am I a dad yet?

Should I change to a career path with better pay and possibly more stability?
Should we buy a house? Should we buy a house here? Now? Should we move closer to our relatives?
What if there's a problem with the baby before it's born?
What if there's a problem after? I don't know anything about taking care of babies...
What if there's a problem with my wife during labor? ... I mean... it's not likely, but she could die... I don't know if I can handle that and a child.
What if something happens to me? it's not likely, but I could die... what then?
What if it's a boy? What if it's a girl? What if it's not clear?
What if we pick a dumb name, or one that accidentally rhymes with a slang term that doesn't exist yet?
What if it's twins? Oh, crap, what if it's more?!
What if the small increase in the amount and types of radiation I was exposed to in Tokyo after Fukushima mutated my sperm and results in some awful genetic problems in our baby?
What if the known mutagenic chemicals I encounter at work contaminated my clothes, and touched my wife or our developing fetus somehow?
What if we have a drought? Or a flood? Or... I don't know... the cats get mad and attack Rachel in her sleep and we lose the baby and have to put the cats down all in the same week?!
What if Rachel resents me for not being able to be there for her first prenatal doctor visit? ...or for anything stupid thing I say or do while she's pregnant?
What if I resent her for something?
Will I be a good dad?

Of course we're not ready. We're definitely going to make mistakes, and our relationship will never be what it used to be, because now it's different forever. I'm terrified and overjoyed all at once. Joyful panic. Expecting. I'm pretty sure these are interchangeable terms.

Today, I saw the first sonogram. I laughed and cried, told my wife I love her, and forgot everything else in the world...